Quotes from Stargate SG-1 Jack O'Neill (Richard Dean Anderson)

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SEASON ONE
General Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your military exploits?
Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anybody that actually read it. pause That's a joke, sir.

O'Neill: Oh, c'mon, Samuels. Let me be the cynic around here, okay?

Carter: You know you really will like me when you get to know me.
O'Neill: Oh, I adore you already.

O'Neill: Permission to barge in, Sir?

O'Neill: No, she tried to seduce me.
Jackson: Oh. pause You poor man.

O'Neill: No, sir? Does it say "colonel" anywhere on my uniform?

O'Neill: Perfect. If any little rocks sneak up on us, we will have plenty of warning.

O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek.
Jackson: Oh, um, Mycenae was an ancient city in the southern Peloponnesus region.
O'Neill: Where's that?
Jackson: Greece.
O'Neill: Why do I do that?

O'Neill: We'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Bra'tac: No, the bridge is too well guarded.
O'Neill: No, actually, there I was using a cliche.

Hammond: You know that's my car, don't you?
O'Neill: You should get that window fixed.

O'Neill: Sorry to drop in on you like this, but we were... dead.

Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll?

Carter:You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you?
O'Neill: Not... initially.

O'Neill: You wouldn't think jagged bone digging into raw nerves would hurt, but it does.

O'Neill: I think I cracked a rib, too.
Carter: Why didn't you say something?
O'Neill: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it.
SEASON TWO
Jaffa are trying to break down the door.
O'Neill: Just a minute!

O'Neill: Well, I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound... Nothing comes to mind.

O'Neill: Well, we have a number of... shuttles.
Bra'tac: These shuttles, they are a formidable craft?
O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Bad day.

O'Neill: What are the odds of taking out a ship like this with four gliders and, maybe, a shuttle?

Bra'tac: We shall have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
O'Neill: You know, that particular cliché doesn't... always work.

Bra'tac: Now we die.
O'Neill: Well, that's a bad plan.

Jackson: P2A-509!
O'Neill: Little brain damage along the way?

O'Neill: General, without meaning, this time, to sound like a smartass, are you cracked?

Jackson: Where are we going?
O'Neill: Back through the gate to show them what their planet looks like... in our memories... before the virtual reality... Leave me alone.

O'Neill: You all know I take great pride in my title as Mr. Positive, however, we did destroy their de-Goa'ulding thing, might not they look unkindly on that?

O'Neill: It's "O'Neill," with two L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L, and he has no sense of humor at all.

Maybourne: Striking an officer is a quick way to a court martial.
O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.

O'Neill: How do I know you're really Daniel?
Jackson: Because.
O'Neill: Yeah, okay.

O'Neill: We came here in peace, and we expect to go in one... piece.

O'Neill: Apparently I have lost the fallatus to speak properly. That wasn't a joke! I didn't do that on purpose!

O'Neill: That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem.

An officer asks them in Russian if they're spies.
Jackson: Nyet.
O'Neill: Daniel!
Jackson: He just asked if we were Soviet spies and— realizes the problem
Guard: Come with me.
O'Neill: on the way out: Nyet?

O'Neill: Well, it's hard to say.
Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
O'Neill: No, just difficult to pronounce.
SEASON THREE
O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go nuts!

Hammond: So, Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
O'Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I'm eleven. How old are you?
O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

O'Neill: All right, I gotta know. What the hell does "kree" mean?
Jackson: Well, actually, it means a lot of things. Loosely translated it means "attention," "listen up," "concentrate—"
O'Neill: "Yoo hoo"?

Teal'c: Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
O'Neill: Oh, yeah, yeah... Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

O'Neill: You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

O'Neill: You know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted.
SEASON FOUR
O'Neill: Land of sky blue waters... loofas... "Ya sure, you betcha, snookums"... mosquitoes... home of the loon...

O'Neill: I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
O'Neill: Bad?
Jackson: I wasn't going to say anything...

Jack is about to hit a golf ball through the Stargate:
Hammond: Colonel! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
O'Neill: whirls around In the middle of my backswing?!

Anise: Your strength is five times that of a normal human.
O'Neill: So, no increase then, huh?

O'Neill as some thugs get ready for a beat down: Well. This is a cliché

O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
Jackson: Uh... I do.

O'Neill: There's a man... He's bald and wears a short-sleeved shirt, and somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is Homer.

Martin : A top-secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a stargate.
O'Neill: Sounds like a good idea for a TV show. If you're into that sort of thing.

O'Neill: We didn't spring a leak. Although I may have just... taken one.

O'Neill: The loons! Don't forget the loons!

O'Neill: We'll be unavailable, inaccessible...
Hammond: Incommunicado...
O'Neill: Minnesota, Sir.
Hammond: I stand corrected.

Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-o.
O'Neill: Call Daniel.

O'Neill: Do you know what the Goa'uld really want from us? Minnesota, that's what. For the fishing, mostly. I'll take you some time.
Tyler: Fishing?
O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Ask Teal'c. He can't get enough.

K'tano: I see you are one who speaks your mind, O'Neill.
O'Neill: Yes, which is why I don't say much.
SEASON SIX
Hammond: Colonel Chekov feels that as a symbol of our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, Sir. I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?
Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm still pretty sure I'll say, "Bite me."

Carter: Inertial dampeners.
O'Neill: Cool... and check. Phasers?
Carter: Sorry, Sir.

O'Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons. It's important to me.

Baal: Do you not know the pain you will suffer for this impudence?
O'Neill: I don't know the meaning of the word. pause Seriously, "impudence," what does that mean?

O'Neillsarcastically: Why look, everybody! He's got Coombs with him!

Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard.

O'Neill: Suffice to say you might want to get upstairs and punch one on the old speed dial.
Hammond: My grandchildren?
O'Neill: Two, then.

Vernon: So what planet are they from, the aliens?
O'Neill: A place called Melmac.
Vernon: Isn't that where ALF is from?
O'Neill: Who?
Vernon: ALF, you know, on TV, the puppet.
O'Neill: Never saw it.
Vernon: No kidding?

O'Neill: That is just wrong on so many levels.

O'Neill: Teal'c without Junior... That's a concept.

Carter: There's no redundancy for that particular system.
O'Neill: So you're saying there's no redundancy?
SEASON SEVEN
Native pointing toward Teal'c: He is Jaffa.
O'Neill: No, but he plays one on TV.

Carter: Our goal is to take out Anubis' new super weapon. It's what gives him a clear advantage over the rest of the Goa'uld mother ships. Now, we've received word from Teal'c that Yu has pledged to bring the full force of the remaining system lords' fleet down on Anubis once we've succeeded.
O'Neill: Okay. Everyone who thinks this is absolutely an insane idea, raise your hand. Come on, be honest.
Everyone, including Carter, eventually raise their hand

Young O'Neill: Hey! I realize it doesn't actually say "colonel" anywhere on my uniform, but it should.

O'Neill: I just woke up, haven't had coffee— let alone peed in seven days and I find out you stole my ass and made a... Mini-Me!

Loki: Your bodies are similar to our original form thousands of years ago. Using your physical makeup as a template, I had hoped to find a way to construct a clone that could contain our massively superior intellect. My research was unsuccessful.
Young O'Neill: So much for massively superior intellect.
O'Neill: I was gonna say that.
SEASON EIGHT
O'Neill: I've spent my whole life sticking it to the man.
Jackson: Well now you will be the man.
O'Neill: I don't think I can be the man.

O'Neill trying to make a decision: Do you know what it took to get approval for Tailgate Tuesdays? Bra'tac smiles. Will there be cake?

O'Neill: Teal'c. Are you there?
Teal'c: Proceed, O'Neill.
O'Neill: You know how I get when you don't call.

O'Neillabout the Asgard: Usually they ask nicely before they ignore us and do what they damn well please.

O'Neill: So they didn't get the memo.

Maybourne: Jack. How long has it been?
O'Neill: Oh, since you got us stranded off-world and tried to kill me.
Maybourne: Ah. Takes me back.

O'Neill: Nice ride.
Jackson: Yeah, Ancients like to fly in style.

O'Neill: You're gonna have to help me out here, Carter. Got any quarters?

O'Neill to Kinsey: Think of it this way: if you don't do what they want, they'll kill you. If you don't do what we want... we'll let 'em.

O'Neill: I know your gun isn't real. However... this one is.

Joe: You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot and you're a terrible ping pong player.
O'Neill: Have we met?

Joe: Dr. Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back. Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you've been through together you belong here with SG-1.
Jackson: Thank you. Jack?
O'Neill: He's a barber.
Jackson: Broke into your house?
O'Neill: Yeah.
Jackson: Second week in a row.
O'Neill: Mm hm.
Jackson: Alarm.
O'Neill: I'm thinking dog.
Joe: You could try locking your front door.

Jackson: Jack, we need to talk! Oh! Sorry for interrupting.
O'Neill: No! It's important. You must interrupt. You must.
Jackson: I think we may have found a ZPM.
O'Neill: Yes!

Carter talking about Daniel: SG-11 insisted he seemed perfectly normal. Did you notice anything peculiar about him, sir?
O'Neill: I thought it odd that he was shooting up the Gateroom.

O'Neill: So, why don't you just send her right on through. Before you know it, you'll have old camel ass back in your grubby old nits.

Ba'al: You dare mock me?!
O'Neill: Baal, come on you, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.

O'Neill: Did Anubis leave anything cool behind?
Jackson: No, not really.
O'Neill: Nuts.
SEASON NINE
O'Neill: You get well soon. And when you do, you can do anything you want... and I mean... professionally. Anything. Well not... anything.

Jackson: What the hell are you doing here?
O'Neill: Well. Nice to see you too.

Jackson: I wouldn't say this to anyone else, but for the first time, I'm scared.
O'Neill: I'm hungry.